Exhibition

Guess what... I'm doing an exhibition!! Well... not all by myself! As I've told before, I attend an evening class in painting. And this weekend, were arranging a christmas exhibition of our works. And of course, all paintings are for sale!! I have made four different paintings that i have put up for sale, and I'm just SOooooo exited to see if they will be sold! I need the money sooo bad...!

I'll put in some photos of my paintings later on!

I admit it... I've been kind of lazy these last few weeks in posting... or... the things I've been posting has sort of been other peoples thoughts and writings. So what is happening in my life at the moment??

I've been working a lot... actually these last few weeks I've been doing quite a bit of overtime. Hard work, but I'll be soooo happy when the paycheck comes!! And every krone will be a celebration! Since I started my eveningclass this autumn, I have quite a bit more expences each month. And I was wondering where all my money went... I didn't think of my eveningclass at all! It's worth it though... It's very educating, and meditative to play with colors...! Everyone should try it! And it's just sooo much fun!! The last couple of classes we've had, we have learned about compositions. Very interesting! And much fun!

And another time consuming occupation I've gotten is that I've met a man that has grown to mean a lot to me, and we have been either talking on the phone for the last few weeks, or found the time to meet and get to know eachother even better...!!

The third time consuming thing I have entered into, is Buddhism. Meeting up with interesting and fun people, and learning to meditate as a buddhist. It is buddhism in the Karma Kagyu lineage that have become interesting to me, and I'm planning on taking a course with them in Spain in end of may.

Well... that's a short summary...!!

And now, I'll talk to my man on the phone...
cheers!!

What Buddha Form are you?

Your Karmapa! Go you! As the united essence of all Buddhas you've got quite a responsobility on your hands! But even when your plate is full of mundane things to do you always manage to finish them all and still have time to enjoy the roses.
Take this quiz!








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I don't always wear a viking helmet...

c",)

A new drawing

Yesterday was a wonderful day. And I spent some of it walking around the city center of Oslo. I had taken my drawing book with me... and found an excellent model for a drawing...! He was lying very still outside the governments building in the center of Oslo... a big, beautiful lion male...!! Isn't he beautiful?? I think I managed to capture him quite well...

What do you think??

You Are a Dreaming Soul

Your vivid emotions and imagination takes you away from this world So much so that you tend to live in your head most of the time You have great dreams and ambitions that could be the envy of all... But for you, following through with your dreams is a bit difficult You are charming, endearing, and people tend to love you. Forgiving and tolerant, you see the world through rose colored glasses. Underneath it all, you have a ton of passion that you hide from others. Always hopeful, you tend to expect positive outcomes in your life. Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul, Prophet Soul, and Traveler Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

You Are Impressionism

You think the world is quite beautiful, especially if you look at it in new and interesting ways. You tend to focus on color and movement in art. For you, seeing the big picture is much more important than recording every little detail. You can find inspiration anywhere... especially from nature.

What Art Movement Are You?

Different stages of being drunk...

Like Cinderella: You come back home, have lost a shoe, and in ragged clothes.
Like Bambi: Your legs refuse to do as you want them to, and your head feels like the size of a beach ball.
Like Sleeping Beauty: You sleep in a hundred years.
Like Snowwhite: You wake up with seven unknown men in your bed.
Like The Little Mermaid: Your feet are glued together and smells of fish.
Like Little Red Riding Hood: You wake up with your grandmother in the same bed as you.
Like The Emperor's new clothes: You wake up naked in the gutter to see the croud point at you.
Like The Ugly Duckling: You wake up with a cohabitant - but it's not your own... This one is much more handsome...
Like Superman: Your body is both red and blue, and people whispering sounds like loud cries.
Like Scrooge: You wake up, have a larg pile of money but no trousers.
Like Hans and Grätchen: You can easily find the toilet by following the trace of the nights vomitting...
Like Pippi Longstocking: You wake up between a horse and a monkey and find your purse full of money.
Like The Big Bad Wolf: Your breath is so bad you can blow a house over.
Like Christopher Colombus: You don't know where you are, or where you're headed, but the government pays for it.
Like The B-Brothers: You wake up the next day and have brought things with you back home that you never wanted, or know why you took with you...

Learn as long as you live... a story

The True Sound of Truth

An old story speaks about a similar problem. A devoted meditator, after years concentrating on a particular mantra, had attained enough insight to begin teaching. The student's humility was far from perfect, but the teachers at the monastery were not worried.

A few years of successful teaching left the meditator with no thoughts about learning from anyone; but upon hearing about a famous hermit living nearby, the opportunity was too exciting to be passed up.

The hermit lived alone on an island at the middle of a lake, so the meditator hired a man with a boat to row across to the island. The meditator was very respectful of the old hermit. As they shared some tea made with herbs the meditator asked him about his spiritual practice. The old man said he had no spiritual practice, except for a mantra which he repeated all the time to himself. The meditator was pleased: the hermit was using the same mantra he used himself -- but when the hermit spoke the mantra aloud, the meditator was horrified!

"What's wrong?" asked the hermit.

"I don't know what to say. I'm afraid you've wasted your whole life! You are pronouncing the mantra incorrectly!"

"Oh, Dear! That is terrible. How should I say it?"

The meditator gave the correct pronunciation, and the old hermit was very grateful, asking to be left alone so he could get started right away. On the way back across the lake the meditator, now confirmed as an accomplished teacher, was pondering the sad fate of the hermit.

"It's so fortunate that I came along. At least he will have a little time to practice correctly before he dies." Just then, the meditator noticed that the boatman was looking quite shocked, and turned to see the hermit standing respectfully on the water, next to the boat.

"Excuse me, please. I hate to bother you, but I've forgotten the correct pronunciation again. Would you please repeat it for me?"

"You obviously don't need it," stammered the meditator; but the old man persisted in his polite request until the meditator relented and told him again the way he thought the mantra should be pronounced.

The old hermit was saying the mantra very carefully, slowly, over and over, as he walked across the surface of the water back to the island.

Oriah Mountain Dreamer, The Invitation

The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you tryly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

Copyright published by HarperSanFransisco, 1999

11th September 2001

Where were you the 11th September 2001? What did you do? What did you wear? I bet you remember...!

I lived in Bali. I rented a nice house in the ricefields in Ubud, the cultural center of Bali. I was living there together with my Balinese boyfriend, Komang. It wasn't a big house, just a bedroom, a bathroom a kitchen and an outside area where we had a sofa and a couple of chairs. My boyfriend had a television, and a DVD-player. He used to watch all kinds of lousy standard movies at any time of the day. We could rent like 5 films in the afternoon, and he'd watch them all before going to bed. I usually fell asleep after the second film...! I remember being fed up with the TV being on at every time of the day, and asked him to turn off this lousy movie when he turns toward me saying that it's not a movie. 'It is happening right now' he said. 'It's on the news right now!' The TV screen showed thick smoke flowing out of the first tower... then a plane came into the picture, and I could see it hitting the second tower. It was about ten o'clock local time, we had just gotten out of bed, only made a cup of strong morning coffee...

I was wearing a sarong like I always did in the morning. It was a morning ritual, slipping into my sarong, making coffee and sitting looking over the ricefields listening to the songs of the world around us. The quacking from frogs, ducks and chicken, the wrooms of motorbikes, cars and scooters, the howling of the dogs, the thump of coconuts hitting the ground, the shouting from people, the crying of babies, the laughter of girls and boys, the whistling from the wind playing in the palmtrees... etc...

This morning, all sounds were gone. Only the horrible pictures and the silent screams from all the people inside the twin towers were echoing in my brain. A high pitch note ringing without end... a silent cry from the angel of mercy...

Good fortune or just incredibly lucky?

Friday 1st September, I took my bicycle for a ride in the forrest close to where I live. I also had a couple of plastic bags with me, just in case... (of something)... ( I often do things 'just in case'... and usually when I've felt like bringing something 'just in case', I get use of it...!) Like this friday. I had taken these plastic bags with me, and when cycling in the forrest, I came by lots of mushrooms! Unfortunately I don't know their english names... but I found R?dskrubb, Kantarell, Rimsopp, Steinsopp and kremle. All of them good for food, if prepared the right way. I am not an expert in these mushrooms... but I found someone on my way that could help me sort out the poisonous ones. Later on, I picked some more. It was this time that I found Kantarell, the most delicious mushroom we norwegians know about. I was so astound that I found some, that I lost track of time, space and everything! After having picked the ones I found, I trodded on... suddenly realizing that my digital camera was missing... I had taken it with me to take photos of mushrooms I wanted to recognize for later. And now it was missing... You might know how you walk the forrest when looking for mushrooms... without sense of direction. So how could I possibly find my camera again? Where had I lost it? Suddenly I remembered being so surprised to find kantarell, that I had to take the chance of me having put my camera down at this spot, and happily walked off with kantarell in my plastic bags, and no camera around my wrist... But how could I possibly find this spot again!? Well, I had to try... and I don't know if it's my good fortune or just my incredible luck that I found the spot again... And guess what... My camera lay in the sun, glimmering like a sparkling diamond! I couldn't believe it! But there it was, and happy again, I kept sweeping the forrest for edible mushrooms...!

Then. Last weekend, it happens all again! My camera gets lost. I believe it might be stolen, but asks anyone who has been in my presence the last couple of days if they have seen my rucksack (where my camera was). Nobody could help me. I report it to the reception desk, and give them my name and telephone number, just in case... Yesterday, I'm about to call my insurance agency to report my camera stolen. But my mobile phone rings... and guess what! It's the reception lady... telling me that my rucksack has been found... and my camera is in it...!

So... is it good fortune following in my steps, or have I just been incredibly lucky?? I don't know... and I guess I shouldn't question it too much either... I only hope it will continue!!

Mabon or Autumn Equinox, september 23rd 2006

So, in the cycle of decline,
the Autumn Equinox is at harvest time,
of those ideas that you first planted
last Autumn at Samhain.
It is a time of balance,
a time of reaping,
a time of equality.
What is at that balance point in your life?

May the fruits of your labors of this cycle
serve you well
as the light turns towards the dark half of the year,
and the death and rebirth of a new cycle
at Samhain.

Blessed Be!

by sig lonegren

Mabon, or Autumn Equinox is the time in the autumn when the day and the night is equally long all over this planet of ours. This year it happens the 23rd of september. At 04:02 GMT time. Astronomically this means that for all of us living on the northern hemisphere of our planet, our days will consist of more dark hours than light ones, and for the people on the southern hemisphere, the days will consist of more light hours than dark ones, since the sun is moving to shine it's light below the equator. Many people celebrate this day, as it symbolizes balance between light and dark. The Autumn Equinox is one of the Four Quarter Days of the year. It marks a major mid-point between Lughnasad (represents the start of the harvest and is also called Lammas) and Samhain (marks the end of the summer and the beginning of the new fertility year). It is probably mostly celebrated amongst pagans and wiccans around the world, but it is also marked off in the calender of some countries. The Holi/Holy days around this time reflect this reality. In the United States, Labor Day - the first tuesday after the first monday in Septemer - marks the beginning of the Autumn Equinox season. Labor Day recognizes the value of those who labor, and it gives them a final fling at the end of summer. In the United States and in many other countries the celebration takes place and are called Thanksgiving.

Wiccans and Pagans celebrate the aging Goddess as she passes from Mother to Crone, and her consort the God as he prepares for death and re-birth. At this festival it is appropirate to wear all of our finery and dine and celebrate in a lavish setting. It is the drawing to and of family as we prepare for the winding down of the year at Samhain. It is a time to finish old business as we ready for a period of rest, relaxation and reflection. Mabon is considered a time of the Mysteries. It is a time to honor Aging Deities and the Spirit World. Considered a time of balance, it is when we stop and relax and enjoy the fruits of our personal harvests, whether they be from toilinj in our gardens, working at our jobs, raising our families, or just coping with the hussle-bussle of everyday life. The Sun enters the sign of Libra, bringing balance and harmony but also change and transformation. It is time to take action and move into a new energy phase to balance the outer world with the inner world. It is a time to release the past and move forwards, a chance to be clear about what it is you want to do now, and prepare for Winter.

As I said, it is a time for balancing but also for reconciling opposites and to see them as part of the whole. Everyhing co-exists together and we need both sides in order to be balanced and whole; the seen and the unseen, the known and the unknown, creation and destruction, death and rebirth, materialism and spirituality. Here at the Autumn Equinox, celebrate your whole selves, your masculine and feminine aspects, your conscious and unconscious, the active and the receptive, your light and dark sides, your fortunes and your misfortunes, your young self and your old self - and all aspect of the cycle of life. Celebrate it all, the good and the bad. Honour the changing season which brings a chance to start again.

The sap in the trees and plants is moving down now. This is the beginning of root energy and brings sleep, rest and renewal. It is a chance for all of life to go within and re-enter the dark womb of the spiritual world. This is the balance between the outer journey and the inner journey, which provides a strong foundation for our lives. It is a time for long-term planning and incubation. The seed ideas we plant now will re-emerge in the Spring changed, transformed and strengthened by their time in the unconscious.

Activities of Mabon: Making wine, gathering dried herbs, plants, seeds and seed pods, walking in the woods, scattering offerings in harvested fields, offering libations to trees, adorning burial sites with leaves, acorns and pine cones to honor those who have passed over.

(Info taken from "Sacred Celebrations" by Glennie Kindred on Gothic Image Publications 2001, http://www.wicca.com/celtic/akasha/mabon.htm and http://www.geomancy.org/quarter&cross/autumn_equinox.html)

mystery

It's a mystery
why sometimes the solution
to a problem
has to hit you over the head
repeatedly
before you are finally able to see it

100 Facts about me

1. I'm 171 cm tall (5'6)
2. I have green eyes
3. My hair used to be straight... but have somehow decided to become curly in the last two years...
4. I broke my arm after having watched James Bond at the cinema... this was after my exams in 1999.
5. I am a theater nurse
6. I work in a hospital doing heart surgery
7. Almost every day I hold another persons heart in my hand
8. I'm glad to be able to help people, but I must admit I don't find the job challenging anymore
9. I attend an evening school to become a painter
10. I love playing with colors!
11. I find painting meditating, and can do it for hours without sensing that time passes
12. I want to sell my paintings,
13. and perhaps to make a living out of it in one way or the other...
14. I own my own apartement (or the bank owns it...)
15. I love the feeling of owning my own home
16. I love to have people come for visit
17. I am a member of a cooking club
18. Every time we cook for eachother, we must cook something we have never made before
19. I don't always succeed in my cooking...
20. But mostly it tastes quite good!
21. I enjoy wine
22. But often get headaches from red wine
23. I enjoy beer
24. and whiskey
25. I never drink too much
26. I've never drunk untill I don't have any memory of what has happened
27. I don't smoke
28. I tried to learn to smoke (since there were so many finding it tasty, there had to be something to it, right?? Wrong...!)
29. I've tried to snuff once
30. I've moved 12 times
31. I've lived in Bali
32. I learned how to drive a motorbike in bali
33. I was an act model while living in Bali
34. I was drawing other act models while living in Bali
35. I was living with my Balinese boyfriend
36. Once we stayed in his village with his family... sleeping in the same bed... all five of us... (comfy...? Not exactly...)
37. I can speak a littlebit of Indonesian (Terimakasi banyak!)
38. I've been to 28 different countries
39. I have collected sand from four different continents (Australia, Asia, Africa and Europe)
40. I am a zen buddhist pagan-viking who acknowledges Tao... if there is ever someone who can be called something like this...
41. I believe there is only one God, and that all religions are different, but the same.
42. I believe our most difficult task in this life is to truly be who we are.
43. I love my lavalamp (Mathmos)
44. I have lived in England
45. I lived in a campervan in England
46. I have taken a class to become a crystal healer
47. I have lots of crystals in my apartment...!
48. And I often work with them, removing crystals that are inapropiate, picking up crystals that fits the purpose...
49. I attended different pagan ceremonies while living in England
50. I have attended some of these ceremonies sky clad (at night)
51. I read tarot
52. Some even say I'm good at it
53. I've worked as a canvasser in England, selling windows and doors
54. I've been a driver for the same company
55. When I moved to England I had almost all I owned packed on my motorbike (85 kilos of luggage...)
56. Before I left for England, I sold, gave away or threw away most of my belongings (including my bike, fishing pole, guitar, sofa, books, photoalbums, clothes etc)
57. I love books, but unfortunately I don't seem to have the time to read them all...
58. I have a tv from the 1970's
59. I own a motorbike (Kawasaki zr7)
60. I like to sunbathe nude
61. I like listening to different types of music (ambient, electronica, classical, jazz, blues, rock, new age...)
62. I have a computer from 1998 which badly needs a replacement...
63. I have redecorated my apartement by myself
64. I love techical gadgets (although I can't afford all that I want...)
65. I love to push buttons (like my sister...) and to find out how things work...
66. I once picked my stereo to pieces... and managed to put it back together again...
67. I love puzzles...
68. I like woodcarving, and have made a clock that hangs on my wall... it actually looks quite nice...
69. When I was a little girl, I wanted to become a ceramist
70. but I think I understood that even though it might be fun, it wouldn't give me an income to live by...
71. I got my first kiss when I went to language school in Torquay at the age of 15.
72. My first boyfriends name was Asle (at the age of 10 years!), and I have never forgotten about him, since our breakup was the outcome of a misunderstanding...
73. I hope he is happily married!
74. I have a PADI-divers license
75. but I haven't used it since I took the license in 1996
76. I'd love to go somewhere warm and refresh my diverslicense!
77. I love to watch the stars at night!
78. I love to walk in the woods, talking to the trees and the birds and the flowers
79. I sometimes see "ghosts"
80. and I talk to them
81. I can sometimes predict the weather...
82. I often experience Deja Vues
83. I have been run over by a car
84. I was driving the car
85. I was 4 years old at the time...
86. I love to go picking and eating mushrooms...
87. I have a strong intuition
88. I've been driving to a friend in London without a map, and I found it with just making one call...
89. I can write with both hands
90. I always read more than one book
91. I love dancing, both swing, folkdance and salsa
92. I'd love to learn tango
93. I'd love to spend New Years eve in Wienna dancing Walz in one of the big ballrooms there
94. I own land in Bali
95. It's registered in my ex boyfriends name...
96. So perhaps I can't really claim it to be mine...
97. I don't have any children of my own, only a fosterchild in Thailand
98. I would concider having children when I find the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.
99. I would like to have a house with a garden, an atelier, a dog, a cat, a garage with room for two motorbikes and a car, a big cosy kitchen and a nice bedroom with a big bed to make love in...! ;-)
100. I know that if I put my mind to it, all my wishes will come true! :-)

Love at first sight

Have you ever experienced love at first sight?
I have.

It has happened to me a couple of times.
The first time was in eight grade. I remember it very well. We were going to have physics, and was waiting outside our classroom as the bell had just rung. I was standing by the door, waiting for our teacher, when he and two of his friends passed by on their way to the teachers restroom. He was a spit image of my dream... Tall, dark hair, wide grin, flaming blue eyes and a laugh that just made my jaw drop to the floor...! I felt warm and cold inside, felt like I was thrown inside a tumbledryer, I felt like I was standing on stilts on jelly... I had tunnel vision and could no longer remember my name... I just had to know who this guy was... and if I had any chance at all... (which I of course doubted...) I soon found out who he was. His name was Casper... and he was two grades higher than me... For three long years I loved this guy! I spent every schoolbreak in his presence, but I doubt even to this day he ever noticed my presence. I remember making sure I was walking in through the door right after him, so that I could put my hand at the exact spot where he had had his hand a tenth of a second before me... I even had the courage to call him a couple of times... but I would always chicken out and say that I had called the wrong number... just to hear his voice... I even got interested in metal bands, as that was his favorite, and he even played in a band that I went to a concert to hear... I also got interested in basketball... because it was one of his games! His last year at school, we had a school sports day, and I knew he was going skiing with his friends. I didn't have any alpine skiis, so I knew I had to have a booring day at school, playing ball games. I was on team one, playing the first match against team two. We were playing basketball, so at least I was doing something he loved! Then suddenly I think I'm sleeping... because he's standing right in front of me!! Asking what team he's on... the judge says he is on team one...!! I almost fainted...! He was HERE!! On MY team!! I almost started to believe there is a God after all!! And what do you think happens? I run to the opponents basket, he throws me a ball, and I score!! What a thrill!!! I could almost hear weddingbells!! We have a lovely day, playing lots of games... but do you think I can manage to utter a single word to this guy...!!??? NO! My mouth is totally numb and dry, and I can't think of ANYTHING to say to him... What a waste! Then suddenly the day is over... and the year is over... and he is out of my life... like a butterfly that suddenly vanishes. POOOF...

I never told him... perhaps one day I will...!?? What is of importance is that I can recognize the feeling of "Yes!! This man I want to get to know!!" And I have learned that I should take the opportunity! No matter how the situation is, if he is Australian, a warlock or a computer programmer, if he is gay, 60years old or in a relationship... GET TO KNOW HIM!! Cause if I don't, I might never get the chance again. And who knows... perhaps this time I've found Prince Charming!!

(Or if he's committed in an unbreakable way, I might even find another best friend!!)

Personal confession...

What would your house look like if you were going to paint a house that would tell about yourself?? Mine looks like this... at least this is how it looked like yesterday!

I had a clear image of the color of the house in my mind when I started... It was supposed to be something inbetween seagreen, and turquise (to show my connection to the sea and water in general... which I find wery calming and purifying. I wanted to show myself being (or trying to be) creative in a kind of atelier, I wanted the house to be on a beach overlooking water (ocean) (to show that I like having control of certain things...!?) and I wanted the house to be partly round (to illustrate that I don't like to hide things in the corners of my mind...!?). I wanted the doors to be open and warm light flowing out of the door and the windows, so that my friends and family would feel welcome. I wanted a garage for my motorbike(!) (to show that I take care of my values), and I wanted to have a rich rosegarden surrounding my house, to show that life actually is a dance on roses... (beware of thorns...!) And I wanted an Asian inspired roof to show that I have interests in Asian philosohy...! The driveway also shows that I do like some things to be structured in my life...!

Well... that's my personal confession for today...!

15 Things I enjoy doing...

I enjoy listening to the rain!
I enjoy watching the lightning when a thunderstorm passes by!
I like to turn off all electric light in my apartement, and only light it with candellight!
I like to burn incence.
I enjoy cuddling up in my armchair with a cup of tea, and my book.
I definitely enjoy lazy sunday mornings in bed with my boyfriend!!
I enjoy riding my motorbike, especially when I share this interest with my boyfriend, and we travel together to some exciting destination, take a break and sit down to watch the view, talking and have a cup of coffee!
I enjoy sunbathing... nude...
I enjoy skinnydipping...!
I like travelling... anywhere! But mostly to new destinations...! (I collect countries, and have been to 28...)
I love kissing... cuddling and being close to my partner.
I enjoy painting (I attend a paintingclass two evenings a week)
I like going fishing (it's almost like meditating, only better... because you're out in the nature, and might also get a fish or two!)
I love walking in the mountains... especially in the autumn...
I love to be out at sea in the summertime, hearing the sound of the seagulls, the waves hitting the side of the boat, the smell of the water and the fresh air, feeling the sun warm my skin and my soul...!

Live without concern.

"Life can become a celebration if you know how to live without concern. Otherwise life becomes a long prolonged disease, an illness which culminates only in death.

You need to learn everything because you have forgotten your nature completely. Now psychologists are proposing that there must be training for love, because people are by and by forgetting how to love. Much literature has come into existence: 'The art of Love', 'How to Love'. People have even completely forgotten sexual orgasm, sexual ecstasy. No animal needs any training! Even trees seem to be more intelligent than you.

Everything has to be taught, even the very basics of life have to be taught. That means that somehow we are uprooted. We have lost contact with nature; a gap exists.

And if you are taught how to love, your love is going to be false. Real love should be spontaneous. How can you be taught to love? If you are taught, then you will act according to the rules and the natural flow will not be there.

Nature does not flow according to your rules; it has its own rules. You have simply to be with it, and it starts functioning. The day is not very far away when we will have to teach people how to breathe. Right now you laugh about it, but if you went back and asked Epicurus, 'Will there be a time when people will have to be taught how to achieve orgasm?' he would have laughed. Because animals achieve it without any taching; no Masters and Johnsons are needed, no Kinsy Report is needed. Animals simply love - love happens naturally."

Another excerpt from the book "When the Shoe Fits"... at least it makes me ponder about "realities" and "trivialities" about life... And perhaps it is true...!? Have we lost life itself??

Thirty things I'd like to do before I die...

1) Travel to all the major sacred sites of the world: Stonehenge, the Great Pyramids, Easter Island, Machu Piccu, etc.
2) Backpack through Europe for a couple months.
3) Trevelling to the different Greek Islands by sailing boat.
4) Visit Nepal, Tibet, Kambodia, Vietnam, rural Japan, New Zealand, and the pacific islands.
5) Ride my motorbike across and around Australia.
6) Learn to ride a horse.
7) Learn how to brew my own beer, and make my own wine.
8) Grow a garden of herbs and know their medical uses.
9) Own my own dog.
10) Build my own home.
11) Sail around the world.
12) Visit all seven continents. (Two left!)
13) Become a master of philosophy, religion, and mythology. (If not on paper, then by knowledge!)
14) Learn Tai Chi and Chi Gung in a way that makes my days float!
15) Go on a long distance wilderness backpacking trip.
16) Raise my IQ score by at least 30 points.
17) Go Scubadiving in the Red Sea.
18) Reside a year in Italy.
19) At least once try paragliding.
20) Get married...?
21) Go motorbiking in the Alps.
22) Go on a Safari in Africa.
23) Swim with Dolphins.
24) Ride an elephant.
25) Visit Amazonas with a guide.
26) Dance a waltz in one of Wiennas ballrooms.
27) Visit Rio during carnival times.
28) Drive route 66 on a Harley...?
29) Go to the retreatcenter in Pune in India.
30) Meet the Dalai Lama.

What to choose...!?

My friend since 1998 is loosing ground. He is getting slow and does not have the capacity that is needed anymore. I have treated him well... I think... But he's loosing ground... I even tried to help him remember some more, but it's not enough. So, I'm afraid, my only choice is to replace him. And there are two volunteers to take over his place. Both are young and virile, with a fantastic capacity! The only difference I can really make a notice of, is the size! Do I want a BIG one with the capacity to go on for hour upon hour, or do I go for the slimmer version...? I'm not quite sure...!

Of course the price makes a difference aswell... The Big one is actually cheaper to get a hold onto then the more slender one. Perhaps because the slim one is more popular? Of course it is computers I'm talking about... Do I get a stationary pc with a widescreen, or a slender laptop...?? The picture I only added to make it more interesting... :-)

The choice is mine to make...!! It's just so d... difficult...

Wedding, maid of honour!

There has been lots of happiness occuring this summer! And one of my happiest moments this summer was when My best friend got married. Or to be excact, he is gay, and signed a partnership with his Thomas. (I don't know the english term for this, so I hope you'll all forgive me for not using the right terminology...) Joergen asked me to be his maid of honour... and what an honour that is!! We have known eachother for over 16 years... and I don't think there is any other that knows me better than he does... Not even my ex boyfriend knew all he knows... And I know that Joergen also tells me everything.. I guess what I feel for him is as close you can come to unconditional love! (As I feel towards my sister...) Well, anyway. July 21st he and Thomas got married. There is a law in Norway saying that gay people cannot get married in church, but the priest of the church where they live, asked if he could give them a blessing in the church afterall. He have known Joergen all Joergens life, and found it natural to give them a blessing in church. At first there was a judge doing the formalities around the wedding, giving a little speach to the happy couple, and us as best man and maid of honour. Then all four of us went up to the altar, and sat down. The priest had a lovely speach about love. I was very touched, and had to bite my lips not to start weeping. Then I looked over at Joergen, and I could see his eyes rimmed with tears aswell... he looked over at me, and my eyes too got filled with tears... I could feel my lip starting to vibrate... and had to bite it again...!! I also noticed that Joergen looked away, because he would start crying if he held my eye... Thomas too was touched by the beauty of the ceremony! And when they looked at eachother, I couldn't hold myself any longer... heavy tears rolled down my cheek, and I could say goodbye to the makeup I so thoroughly had put on earlier that day...!

When we left chuch, we left in Thomas' Jaguar from 1962! A beautiful vehicle, suited for such an occasion! Back at their house, where the party was going to take place, we were served champagne and strawberries in the applegarden. (They have a big house from the 1920'ies that they have spent 1 1/2 years renovating. And from being a hole, they have managed to build a castle! It includes a big barn that they have cleared out, and this was where we were going to eat dinner.) 96 guests were placed in the barn! And of course we had to speak to all of them! I thought that I would be a bit nervous... but I wasn't! Who was there to be nervous for!? I know Joergen and Thomas so well... and all their friends, and their family...! And I just felt so incredibly honoured that I, of all those good friends and family that he has, was given the opportunity to say a few words in this very special occation!

The dinner was fantastic, with finnish pasties as a precourse, salmon as maincourse, and strawberries as dessert. Excellent wine was served to every course, and we were all joyfull and smiling!

After dinner, we cleared away the tables, and had a proper barn-party! Dancing and having a jolly good time until the sun again was rising over the horizont...!

When the Shoe Fits

This is a book written by Osho. It is a book with stories of the Taoist mystic Chuang Tzu. I believe it can be a guidance to many people... I'll write you the first page in this book that can help enlighten us, and teach us how to go through a personal development:

"Chu'i the draftsman could draw more perfect cicles freehand than with a compass. His fingers brought forth wpontaneous forms from nowhere. His mind was meanwhile free and without concern with what he was doing. No application was needed, his mind was perfectly simple and knew no obstacle.

So when the shoe fits, the foot is forgotten; when the belt fits, the belly is forgotten; and when the heart is right, 'for' and 'against' is forgotten.

No drived, no compulsions, no needs, no attractions: then your affairs are under control.
You are a free man.
Easy is right.
Begin right and you are easy.
Continue easy and you are right.
The right way to go easy is to forget the right way
and forget that the going is easy."

Personally I find the passage I have made bold, a very fitting passage... It is so true! So simple, and so true...! And I can actually apply it onto many things in my life! The challenge is to do what Chuang Tzu makes a point of in the book... to let go...! Read it...! I can't really explain well enough what is said in the book, without giving even more excerpts... and then I think you would find this to be one of the longest bloggs ever written...!! It is worth looking into anyway...!

Here are some more...!

Motorcycling - a weekendtrip

This weekend I went on a trip with my mc club "Naf Mc"! Every year we have a weekendtrip to somewhere in scandinavia. This year our plan was to travel in Norway, one of the most spectacular places on earth! (If you have read Hitch Hickers Guide to the Galaxy, you would know that Slartibartfast agrees with me in this..!!)

Friday afternoon I met up at the Clubhouse, awaiting several bikers to show up. They didn't... Only Bj?rn Even showed up. We didn't know eachother from before, but soon found out that we were the only ones to travel from the clubhouse at this time...! We had a glance at the map, and decided to take the quickest route to H?nefoss and then to decide if we wanted to go for a extra tour, or go directly to Nesbyen where we would meet up with the rest of our gang (totally 9 guys and 2 gals, the only girl driving was me...!) On our way we had a cloudburst unlike normal conditions here in Norway... We were soaken in seconds... and even if we put on raingear, we decided to still go for the shortest route to Nesbyen. It was quite heavy traffic aswell, so we used apx three and a half hours on the road.

In Nesbyen we decided to rent a cabin. We knew that our foreman would bring a lavvo. But having regards of the rain, we decided for a cabin anyway! We were three men, and me in our cabin. (I was hostess of course!) And set the rules for how things should work out in our cabin! I think the guys only thought it was good that someone took charge...!

Soon one after the other came to the camping area. We had some food, and then something to Warm us upon... beer... whiskey... cognac... you name it... we had it...! We had lots of fun, telling jokes and stories, laughing our hearts out! And hours passed! I and one other guy was at last in bed... at 3 o'clock in the morning... After a few hours sleep, we had to get up, start packing our gear together, and to get going! And over the mountains we flew...! The road went high up, between rocks and sheep!! And there was not a breath of wind...! The mountain lakes lay as silent as mirrors between the mountain tops... reflecting the colors of grey from the clouds above! So beautiful! On our way down from the mountain, the road went steep and in hairpin bends...! On one side of the mountain the road was wet, and on the other side, it was dry! Talk about local rain!

Further down we came to a viewpoint with the most spectacular view over the Aurlandsfjorden! It was like a bridge going out over the treetops, and at the end, there was a thick glasswall, leaning outwards in a 75 degree angle, strong enough to lean on, which gave a very exciting feeling in my stomach while watching the view...!!!

On the road again there was many kilometers with tunnels before we could reach Stalheimskleivane. And who wants to see Norway on the inside...??? Not me anyway!! It's dark, cold and turbulent to drive a motorbike... no favorit at all... But Stalheimskleivane was worth every kilometer inside the mountains!! And I'm SO glad I didn't have to push my bike up those hills...!! 'Steep' has a new meaning after this trip!!

Then we headed for Voss, and the camping there. Unfortunately there were no cabins available... only one from our company had pre booked a cabin, but with room for only four persons. So me and 7 guys had to sleep in the lavvo...! And guess what... I loved it!! Intimate and cosy!! Luckily the rain stayed away, so we woke up in the morning nearly as dry as when we went to bed...! We only found traces of morning dew on our sleeping bags. It was fascinating though, to wake up with someone elses nose only centimeters from my own...!! A nose I don't usually wake up next to...! But I guess that's the charm on going on trips like this!

We sadled up again, and headed towards Oslo again. Took a ferry from Buravik to Brimnes (where I just had to borrow a viking helmet from a boy from Holland! - see picture) and then went on towards Eidfjord and V?ringsfossen, a waterfall that is very well visited by tourists. It too is very spectacular... (and you must be wondering if that is the only word I know of... which probably at the moment is correct...!) Onwards we went over the Hardangervidda before coming down to Geilo where we had some pizza. From there, there was not very much to talk about... we were tired after two nights with little sleep, and a mind full of wonderful images from our fantastic nature. Entering Kongsberg, the rain finally came, and Oslo greeted us with heavenly water...! Our trip was over... even though we still wanted it to last. Having such positive and joyful memories, we didn't want it to end at all...!

Next year... I don't know where we will go... perhaps to Stocholm!? If we can get in touch with a club there who will show us around!?!

Book Tag...

One book that changed your life ?I guess there are lots of books which deserves to be mentioned here... but since it says one book... I guess I have to choose one... And the one that pops to my mind is "The Alchymist" by Paoulo Coelho. It made me think twice about why I felt like going all over the world to settle the unease I felt inside...

One book you have read more than once? The Alchymist...!

One book you would want on a desert island? The Alchymist...!!

One book that made you laugh? There are several books that have made me laugh... but one I could not put aside, even at work was "Harry Potter and the philosophers stone". I just had to read in my lunchbreak, and was laughing out loud in our commonroom... everybody was looking suspiciously at me... and when I showed them I was reading, it seemed they understood. They tried to ask me what I was laughing at, but I could'n manage to form any sentences at all... my mouth wide in a grin!!

One book that made you cry? "Lasso rundt fru Luna" by Agnar Mykle. A norwegian writer from the 1950's, amongst other things telling about his close relationship with his brother. It made me cry, and appreciate having a sister, making me realize how much she means to me.

One book you wish you had written? A users manual to a perfect relationship...!

One book you wish had never been written? I don't know... maybe all the books about religion...? If they hadn't been written, maybe there would have been peace on this earth...??

One book you are currently reading? "Magician" by Raymond E. Feist, "When the shoe fits" by Osho... I always read more than one book...!!

One book you've been meaning to read? I've been meaning to read "Anna Karenina" by Leo Tolstoy for ages... but it seems a difficult task... I always seem to find other books to read first...!

Ok... I'm dating again... and meeting all these great guys. Really, they are great! They have humor, they have interests that I share, some even look great... but I only start getting feelings for the one who turns me down... Why!? Is it because he is out of reach? Is it because I when all comes to all doesn't want a boyfriend? Is it because I actually like being single and seeing different guys??

I've come to the conclusion that I should have one guy to dance with, one (or two) to discuss with, one to go on motorcycle trips with, one to make love to and one to travel with...

A new hobby

I have a new hobby. It's in some parties called "chatting"... It seems I'm spending hour upon hour chatting with people... but not any people... no... I'm chatting to guys.... mostly, to single guys. And a bonus to this chatting, is dating! I've found a site where it seems there are a lot of guys wanting to meet me... and after the breakup that I've been through this summer, it feels swell to be "popular" again...! So you can sort of say that my new hobby is 'dating'! It is actually quite fun! I mean... there are so many people that I come in touch with, that I normally wouldn't have gotten in touch with if we hadn't started to speak on the net! And between the really weird people, there are also some really nice ones! And of course also the ones that only want to have a taste of the sweet honey... but I don't give away my honey to John Bull... give me Johnny Depp, and I'll consider it... ;-)

Anyway... it's a fascinating world...!! And for the time being, I'm very glad I'm single!! It's quite amusing!

On love

"Everybody wants to be loved
That is a wrong beginning.
And it starts because the child, the small child,
cannot love, cannot say anything, cannot do
anything, cannot give anything - he can only get.

A small child's experience of love is of getting
But the trouble arises because
everybody has been a child, and
everybody has the same urge to get love,
and nobody is born in any other way.

So all are asking, 'Give us love',
and there is nobody to give
because the other person is also
brought up in the same way."

OSHO

Holiday Trip

It is my holiday! And despite having become single, i still want to go to Denmark as me and my boyfriend had planned. The only difference is that I have swopped my boyfriend, now ex, with a girlfriend I have met at my paintingclass! Wohoo! And who better to take along to Skagen in Denmark!? The place I know about which have been run down by artists for centuries! And I'm going there with a friend with a joined interest in arts and paintings!! Wonderful!

It's a bit weird... my ex visited me today, and he sat down for a cup of tea. And I actually found it hard to talk to him... I was thinking to myself... Who is this guy...?? Have I really been in a relationship with this stranger?? What happened?? When did we last sit down to talk??

I'm soooo glad I'm not going on a trip with him... It would have been a drag...!

But now... ;-) you danish guys!! Look out!! Here we come!!!

Chocolate

Taken directly from the refrigerator... its crispy, going in flakes when I bite through it. Dark chocolate... the heavy taste spreading in my mouth as it melts and reaches all my tastebuds. Filling my mouth with a velvety feeling, soft, smooth, warm and mmmm........ bittersweet!

I take another bite... letting the taste fill my whole being. I am the chocolate, a wave of sensual velvety feelings, smooth... tasty... Wanting to be tasted... let someone put me in their mouths to feel the same feeling, let me reach out to your tastebuds and let me play! I will excite you with my whole being, making you go soft and warm and smooth... like chocolate...!

Being single again

Gives me time for reflections again. Reflections about what I want with my life. What I want to experience, and what I want to spend time doing.

The other day I was at a nude beach here in Oslo, swimming with a blind person. He had entrusted his life in my care asking me if I wanted to swim with him, and guide him to a small reef. And so I did. We swam out with me chatting about this and that so that he could hear my voice to find the direction.

We sat out on the reef for one and a half hour, talking with a third man. A man who regularly practices Chi Gung. We talked about meditation, about finding out who we really are. Spirituality and mental happiness. He asked me if I was happy with my development, when I answered that this had been put to a halt while being in a relationship with a man that didn't share my belief in these sides of life. He was very clear when he said to me "Do what you want to do!" He told me about books written by an Author with the pen name A.H.Almaas. And encouraged me to read them. We also talked about Osho, and his perspectives of meditation and buddhism. Yesterday I bought a book by Osho called "When the shoe fits". I'm looking foreward to open it and read it properly... But wanted to ask you folks if you have read anything by this Almaas!? Please tell me about it!!

Encouragement

The Sun warms my back
It knows I would have wanted to
be somewhere else
It encourages me to stay put
"Tomorrow there's a new day"
it says joyfully
and dries up the wet tarmac
After rain comes sun...
After sorrow comes joy...
After loneliness comes love...
Will you come?

And the Sun warms me

Frustrations on the subject of love

Hm... I wrote this the 1st of march... Makes me wonder if I shouldn't have ended this relationship much sooner... At least I can't say we didn't try...


Being in love
How frustrating it can be.

A wanting inside... wanting to be close to him. Unfortunately he does not have the same idea of closeness. I feel like a tender flower... in need of a gardener. One who looks after his precious orchid like a vulnerable child. Who waters it when he sees that the flower needs water, and who moves it away from the burning sun. One who gives it the fertilizer it needs to grow.

I am an orchid. And my gardener does not tend me well. He gives me the water he thinks I need, but with no tenderness. And he doesn't check if my roots are flooded with water. He moves me away from the sun... but leaves me in a corner of the room where he cannot see me. And unfortunately he seems to forget to give me fertilizer...

So here I stand. With my blooming flowers. Only some of them are falling to the ground. And there are no new buds appearing. Flowering for my unattentive gardener... Slowly dying... like summer turning to autumn... falling down...

Rescent updates

I haven't actually run this place down, have I... well the reason is that I hvae had my head full with stuff... heavy stuff. Thoughts of my relationship; is this relationship good for me? Will I be happy with things as they are? Is he giving me the time, care and tenderness that I need? Am I really one of the most important persons in his life?

I am sorry to admit that neither of these questions deserves a 'yes'... And that is perhaps the reason why he finally last night dumped me. Yes... I sort of knew it was coming... because last week he went on a trip without wanting me to come with him. You might think that I don't give him space to do his things... but this trip was the first one for a long time we had time to go on toghether without his daughter, and it included folk dancing an interest we actually share. This decision of his hurt me quite a lot. I felt he was excluding me from the fine moments in his life and the ones that could make our relationship stronger, and I was moments from picking up my stuff in his apartment and leave. I even told him so when he came back from his little trip. I guess I gave him something to think about. And even though I also told him I wanted to give him a last chance, since we had so many positive plans made for this summer, he got to me first, and dumped me...

I packed my stuff, and he drove me home to my place. When I handed him his key, I started to cry... and then he held me close as to comfort me. It felt out of place! How on earth can he believe that it would comfort me!? He had just minutes before gone out of that role by telling me he and I was no longer in this kind of relationship!

I didn't sleep at all that night. And at work the next day, I was all tears. I visited a good friend of my later in the evening, and we talked untill I realized that he and I are not made to tango. Have you seen the childrens toys, the ones where you are supposed to put an object into a hole that matches the shape of the object? I felt he was a square, and I am a round hole... a difficult match...

But still it hurts so very much... I have an ocean of tears inside, and it seems they all want to escape from my inside all at once...

So how about all our summerplans...?? I don't know... how can I go on a trip that was supposed to be upbuilding for our relationship when I feel so ... dumped?

I wish I could push FastForward an end up in the summer 2008. At least I would have him out of my system by then...

More paintings

Here are three more paintings I've made. One you've seen before, only now it has more perspective. I call it "Meditation". The second i call "Mermaid", and the third I call "Sphere". There are more to come...!! And when autumn comes, I'll join an artschool for two evenings a week. Hopefully I'll learn a lot more, and perhaps I'll start selling some of my works.

Tell me what you think!
Thanks!

A fantastic weekend!

This weekend I went to Ransäter in Sweden for a folk-cultural festival! We had the best weather ever, and were together with lots of friends. We were living in tents, as is natural to get into the right festival mode! Our arrival on friday the 9th was spread out, and in spite of different arrivals, and without everybody knowing eachother, we managed to get two camps close to eachother, which is perfect when having a barbecue. We were dancing, listening to wonderful music, swimming in the river (which was very refreshing... read: FREEZING!), dancing even more, eating and drinking, talking to old and new friends, and dancing... ! We went to a concert with a swedish group called Väsen, who plays traditional music in a more modern style. Fantastic atmosphere during this concert! Wonderful musicians! I'd love to go to more concerts with these three guys!

About loneliness

Loneliness is a heavy burden for those who have it. And I believe that all of us feels lonely from time to time. Perhaps some of us even wants to feel loneliness, without really knowing it that is... But what is loneliness? Yes, it's a feeling inside. A pain located in the stomach area. Nagging and persistent. Sometimes it is there even whan you are not alone. So it has nothing to do with the company of others... Osho says something about loneliness... perhaps it is enlightening for all of us?

My bloggerfriends

We have now opened our shared mindspace!! Be aware!!

Now TAKE US TO YOUR LEADER...

Painting - a meditation

I love colors. Playing with colors. Putting them together and see how they react to eachoter. Watching as layer upon layer with paint makes a picture. I don't paint. Really I don't! I just watch what happens when I put down the paint on my canvass. And I let everything happen... It's a wonderful kind of meditation. The world seem to disappear around me. There is only me, the canvass and my acrylic colors.

A normal tuesday?

Some tuesdays I go dancing. Folkdancing. It is sometimes quite challenging, but usually lots of fun! We dance lots of different dances, linedances, regular coupledances and songdances. 17 th of May, which is Norways national day, we were lots of people dancing on Karl Johan street (main street of Oslo). It was raining, but it didn't take the fun out of it. Lots of people were standing along Karl Johan watching us, and that is partly why we gather every tuesday. To practice so that we can perform in different arenas. And we are often asked to perform. Folkdancing is tradition in Norway, aspecially when performed in our national costume. I just love my national costume. My mother sowed it to me for my confirmation, and I feel very beautiful in it. (My sister (Nerdine) has a picture of me in my national costume on her blogsite.) But here I get sidetracked... I was going to tell about this tuesday...! We showed up for a regular dancing practice, only there were too few to have a practice. We waited for half an hour before deciding to go to the cinema instead! We bought six tickets for GEISHA, and sat down to have a drink before we entered the theater. During that time, three more people from our dancing group showed up (and now we were enough people to have our practice, only now we had already bought tickets...!) we ended up buying three more tickets, and all of us went to watch GEISHA. And what a beautiful movie! The atmosphere in the movie was absoulutely fabulous...! I have already decided to watch it again...! I thought I knew a lot about the lives of a Geisha... but I guess I was wrong. It tought me new things about a culture I obviously know too little about. Again I must humbly admit that what I thought I knew to be true was wrong. Life is a mystery, with many truths...!

Aaaah... Life is really wonderful!

Eckhart Tolle is a clever man. Lots of good thoughts in his book at least! Aspecially if one manage to put them into real life... As I have these past couple of days. I've sort of felt like lying in a mudhole. With my face in the mud. Not seeing past the dust and the blackness of the dirt. And somehow, my Angel (and Eckhart) managed to lift my head just the slightest bit up, so that I was able to see the light again! And how wonderful that is!! Finding the inspiration to pick myself up, dust myself of and start all over again! Just like in the song! Aaah! air! Creativity!! Love and life!! Fantastic!

Welcome back!

What makes me happy

- the scent of a flower
- the smile on my beloveds face
- a big cup of cocoa on a rainy day
- watching the sunrise
- feeling the water surround my body when I skinnydip with my boyfriend
- listening to a nice tune
- reading a joyful book
- painting a picture
- watching my boyfriend wake up next to me
- feeling the wind in my hair as i ride my bicyckle as fast as I can downhill
- hearing the song of the birds when I take a walk in the woods

The Power of Now - the problem of I

In the religious world we live in, there are a lot of 'isms. Thaoism, Judaism, Confusianism... amongst other religions like islam, christianity etc. But my point was to the religions ending with an 'ism. I am starting to believe that EGOISM might be one of them. In this world where we are complacent to what happens around us; our nextdoor neighbour (that we hardly know by name) has his car window smashed by some energetic kids, and we say"oh, it's a shame... I only hope he has the insurance that covers it," and we think" I'm glad it didn't happen to me... all the extra work it causes." Or even worse with the dying children we see in our livingroom through our television screen, or the young men and women being slaughtered because they live on the wrong side of the border somewhere in a religious conflict. Where is our feeling of responsibility?

What has happened to us?? Is it the Egotism we experience taking control over us? As long as I'm happy...?! As long as nothing bad happens to anyone in my family... with my friends...?? I experience it myself, but from a slightly different angle; I want things my way. I want to be happy!! Only I in some aspects puts the responsibility of how I feel over to my dear boyfriend, wanting him to act like this and that, so that I feel happyness. And this is where I fail. I have made him King of Happiness in my life (without even asking him if he wants this position). But only if he acts like this or that... I know I'm not in the position of asking this, but my Egotism has taken control over my life. My Ego wants pleasure, and has found the equation between pleasure and boyfriend, only making the wrong conclusion that HE is supposed to make me happy! My Egotism gets hurt when it feel him neglecting "me" but at least my egotism has found someone outside itself to blame. Or at least this is how I percieve it to be. It is not a good feeling; neglect. But who is neglecting who? Is it not really me who neglects ME? Is it not really me who is to blame for not feeling good!? Is it not only me that can make me feel good!? How do I turn this?

Eckhart Tolle has written a book called "The Power of Now". I have read paragraphs of it before, and yesterday I picked it up again. I want it to be true what he writes about, but a part of me (EGO?) has difficulties in understanding. Tolle talks about me being put together from two parts: The Ego who thinks different thoughts, and the Being who observes the Ego thinking. What I have problems in understanding then, is when he says that the I that you are, the Being that you are, is the true self. And that you can free yourself from the Ego = the thinker = the mind. He says "listen to the voice in your head, be there as the witnessing presence. When you listen to that voice, listen to it impartially. That is to say, do not judge. Do not judge or condemn what you hear, for doing so would mean that the same voice has come in again through the back door. You'll soon realize: there is the voice, and here I am listening to it, watching it. This I am realization, this sense of your own presence, is not a thought. it arises from beyond the mind."


But my trouble is this, and I'm going to try to formulate it without getting confused and mixed up in different terms... Here goes: What happens when the I am makes a recognition of the thinker and wants to get rid of it? When the I am starts to formulate a will? Is it not the thinker who has taken command? What when the I am says that I want to be free!? Which 'I' is talking? the 'I' in I am, or the 'I' in the thinker? And how do I become free?? I recognise the hurt as coming from the thinker, and I don't want to hurt any more... but which 'I' is talking? the 'I' of I am, or the 'I' of the egoistic thinker...??

HELP!!

I only hope reading some more paragraphs in the book might enlighten me...!

This is ... me

Me in a nutshell??

A natural wonder

Yesterday I rode my motorbike from Oslo to my mothers hometown. It was raining and the wind was playing around in the trees... and of course also on me who was riding like the wind! I was pretty wet and cold when I got to my mothers house. Sort of cleansed by wind and water... but more was needed to get me back on track...

I don't have a garden of my own in Oslo, but when I get to work in the garden as I do when I'm here at my mum's house, I seem to find balance in myself again. As my previous post told of, I'm thinking a lot about love these days. The feeling of not being heard, and not being loved as I love... And when I work with plants of the earth, clearning up weed, and leaves from last autumn, I get connected to myself and find myself being a bit childish in my thoughts about love. Do I have the right to expect him give back to me exactly what I give to him? Do I really want it to be so? Maybe I forget that he is his own person, with his own mind and his own ideas. Well... what do you expect from a person who have been single for 34 years... :-) And I don't really want to be in a relationship with someone exactly like me...!! B u t I realize that it takes more than a few months in a relationship to get used to another persons free mind...! I'm so lucky to be able to experience these feelings and thoughts! And Bless Mother nature for giving me insight to my own childishness and narrowsightedness... so that I may get back on the right track again, in giving all the love I have, and expect nothing back. That is how Our Mother shares her love with us. She gives freely, expecting nothing back. Allthough... living like this... we also seem to distroy her. But that is a theme for a new post another day...!

Life and Love is a wonder

Love

Who was it that sang "Love Hurts"...?? And why did they have to be right...!?

I'm experiencing this at the moment. All because me and my boyfriend have different needs, and different ways of communicating our needs. When I say something about my needs, he feels I'm nagging... And when I don't experience him comply with my needs (as I believe I do with his...in which he actually agrees that I do) I think he hasn't heard what I've been saying, so I start all over again...

Isn't it so that when you are in a relationship, you are also in a position where you give freely to your partner, but you also get from your partner...? It's supposed to be a living symbiosis where both parts gain from the relationship?? It's supposed to be in balance...? And when one part is giving more than what he or she gets, wouldn't that put the relationship in an unbalance?

Why do I feel so insecure, when all I want to feel is happiness and love for my boyfriend? Why is love so hard?

Me a blogger...??

Here I am. A writer in the cupboard...? A writer-to-be?? Why should anyone wish to read my thoughts... my wonderings?

Because they are unique! As we all are unique! Well... not me, you may say. But I have to refuse you on your statement! Just think of it. How many persons are there of you? One, you say... yes, and if there is only one of you in the whole of this enormous universe... well, then I say You are Unique! Wonderful, istn't it!? Only you have the opportunity and the capacity to enjoy life YOUR way. Don't waste it! On the other hand... you wouldn't be able to waste it... because the way you lead your life - is perfect for you.