Frustrations on the subject of love

Hm... I wrote this the 1st of march... Makes me wonder if I shouldn't have ended this relationship much sooner... At least I can't say we didn't try...


Being in love
How frustrating it can be.

A wanting inside... wanting to be close to him. Unfortunately he does not have the same idea of closeness. I feel like a tender flower... in need of a gardener. One who looks after his precious orchid like a vulnerable child. Who waters it when he sees that the flower needs water, and who moves it away from the burning sun. One who gives it the fertilizer it needs to grow.

I am an orchid. And my gardener does not tend me well. He gives me the water he thinks I need, but with no tenderness. And he doesn't check if my roots are flooded with water. He moves me away from the sun... but leaves me in a corner of the room where he cannot see me. And unfortunately he seems to forget to give me fertilizer...

So here I stand. With my blooming flowers. Only some of them are falling to the ground. And there are no new buds appearing. Flowering for my unattentive gardener... Slowly dying... like summer turning to autumn... falling down...

Rescent updates

I haven't actually run this place down, have I... well the reason is that I hvae had my head full with stuff... heavy stuff. Thoughts of my relationship; is this relationship good for me? Will I be happy with things as they are? Is he giving me the time, care and tenderness that I need? Am I really one of the most important persons in his life?

I am sorry to admit that neither of these questions deserves a 'yes'... And that is perhaps the reason why he finally last night dumped me. Yes... I sort of knew it was coming... because last week he went on a trip without wanting me to come with him. You might think that I don't give him space to do his things... but this trip was the first one for a long time we had time to go on toghether without his daughter, and it included folk dancing an interest we actually share. This decision of his hurt me quite a lot. I felt he was excluding me from the fine moments in his life and the ones that could make our relationship stronger, and I was moments from picking up my stuff in his apartment and leave. I even told him so when he came back from his little trip. I guess I gave him something to think about. And even though I also told him I wanted to give him a last chance, since we had so many positive plans made for this summer, he got to me first, and dumped me...

I packed my stuff, and he drove me home to my place. When I handed him his key, I started to cry... and then he held me close as to comfort me. It felt out of place! How on earth can he believe that it would comfort me!? He had just minutes before gone out of that role by telling me he and I was no longer in this kind of relationship!

I didn't sleep at all that night. And at work the next day, I was all tears. I visited a good friend of my later in the evening, and we talked untill I realized that he and I are not made to tango. Have you seen the childrens toys, the ones where you are supposed to put an object into a hole that matches the shape of the object? I felt he was a square, and I am a round hole... a difficult match...

But still it hurts so very much... I have an ocean of tears inside, and it seems they all want to escape from my inside all at once...

So how about all our summerplans...?? I don't know... how can I go on a trip that was supposed to be upbuilding for our relationship when I feel so ... dumped?

I wish I could push FastForward an end up in the summer 2008. At least I would have him out of my system by then...

More paintings

Here are three more paintings I've made. One you've seen before, only now it has more perspective. I call it "Meditation". The second i call "Mermaid", and the third I call "Sphere". There are more to come...!! And when autumn comes, I'll join an artschool for two evenings a week. Hopefully I'll learn a lot more, and perhaps I'll start selling some of my works.

Tell me what you think!
Thanks!

A fantastic weekend!

This weekend I went to Ransäter in Sweden for a folk-cultural festival! We had the best weather ever, and were together with lots of friends. We were living in tents, as is natural to get into the right festival mode! Our arrival on friday the 9th was spread out, and in spite of different arrivals, and without everybody knowing eachother, we managed to get two camps close to eachother, which is perfect when having a barbecue. We were dancing, listening to wonderful music, swimming in the river (which was very refreshing... read: FREEZING!), dancing even more, eating and drinking, talking to old and new friends, and dancing... ! We went to a concert with a swedish group called Väsen, who plays traditional music in a more modern style. Fantastic atmosphere during this concert! Wonderful musicians! I'd love to go to more concerts with these three guys!

About loneliness

Loneliness is a heavy burden for those who have it. And I believe that all of us feels lonely from time to time. Perhaps some of us even wants to feel loneliness, without really knowing it that is... But what is loneliness? Yes, it's a feeling inside. A pain located in the stomach area. Nagging and persistent. Sometimes it is there even whan you are not alone. So it has nothing to do with the company of others... Osho says something about loneliness... perhaps it is enlightening for all of us?